Extract - Having Relations
DECLAN I’m going to Ireland! Mom! I’m going to Ireland. (sings) Oh Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling.
CHERYL You’re going to Iceland?
DECLAN No…Ireland. (Beat) Why the hell would I be going to Iceland.
CHERYL Search me…you’ve been acting very strangely recently.
DECLAN I’m going to Ireland. I’ve got a friend there now and-
CHERYL A friend?
DECLAN Yes, a friend and she’s going to show me the country.
CHERYL She eh?
CHERYL What, and she’s got you doing all the running? Your just going to up and leave on the say so of some Irish floozie.
DECLAN She has no idea I’m coming.
CHERYL She’ll eat you alive.
DECLAN It’ll be a surprise.
CHERYL That’s if it is a she. Who knows who you’ve been ‘communicating’ with eh? Could be a burly builder by the name of Brian. He may have a secret family…and a penchant for satin…(really mocking…Gasp) He may not even be Irish!
DECLAN She’s a she, She is called Vicki. I’ve spoken to her on the phone and I’ve been skyping her this afternoon.
CHERYL Declan! There are some things a mother shouldn’t hear!
DECLAN Skyping…Talking live over the internet.
CHERYL Ohhh. Still, it’s a heck of a journey just for some girl.
DECLAN Yes, well I can find out even more while I’m over there. See where our ancestors were born, where they grew up, where the ship sailed from that brought them here!
Vicki found out more about your side of the family too so it’s not just O’Doyles I’m looking out for I can trace the O’Donnells too.
CHERYL I’m sure that’ll be a piece of cake. Like looking for a needle in a haystack…if every piece of hay had the name O’Donnell.
DECLAN I’m flying to Manchester, then onto Shannon. There’s a coach as far as Tipperary-
CHERYL It’s a long way to go
DECLAN -Then I can get the train to Cork and I don’t think she’s too far from there. I’ll get a cab. I’ve got some Euros with me…
CHERYL Euros! Look at my son – the jetsetter. eh! Er, do you have a passport?
DECLAN I got one last week!
CHERYL I wondered why you were going to Scarborough.
DECLAN I’m all set.
CHERYL Travel insurance?
DECLAN Mom…yes thank you I have pyjamas.
CHERYL Don’t lie to me if you haven’t. I’m not having you wandering around in your holy boxer shorts.
DECLAN I have pyjamas.
CHERYL It may be what they do over there but you’re representing your country and I want them to have a pleasant view of my son…not the other view…which is not so pleasant…
DECLAN Mom! I have pyjamas…I have new pyjamas! I won’t be showing you up.
CHERYL (beat) I should put a couple of stitches in the flap.
DECLAN The what?
CHERYL The flap. I’ll sew it up a little bit so it doesn’t go gaping and exposing your…thing.
DECLAN My thing.
CHERYL We don’t want your pee pee protruding.
DECLAN Mom!...my pee pee?
CHERYL Well what do you want me to say – I’m hardly going to say cock now am I?
DECLAN That’s what they call it over there. In Ireland it’s called a Mickey.
CHERYL Oh! Well…better than calling it a Minnie I suppose! (Pause) I’d better sew it up anyway.
DECLAN It’s got buttons.
CHERYL Pah! They never worked for your father…they do nothing but lull you into a false sense of security. Give them here before you go.
DECLAN Arggh. I’ve about half an hour and then I need to leave. (gives her the pyjamas) You can’t hold them hostage. I will leave without my pyjamas.
CHERYL See she’s corrupting you already! (exits)
DECLAN Not quite but I’m hoping that’s the highlight of the trip! (sings) Oh, her eyes they shone like the diamonds, you’d think she was queen of the land…