(Rachel is flicking through a newspaper commenting on certain aspects of its contents)
RACHAEL: Elderly lady seeks mature man for walks in the park and nights at the opera…and fulfillment of her sexual needs!!! Oh my God this is outrageous ‘a giant of a man seeks Jack to come and conquer his beanstalk’ Jesus!
I should put one in myself “ husband required to replace current bastard one who is off screwing aging Pamela Anderson.”
Oooh nice house!….if you’ve got a spare $200,000 lying around. Oh I’m never going to be able o afford a place of my own – well nowhere decent anyway – I’ll have to live on some horrible estate with drunks and smackheads and other divorcees. Urgh what a horrible word, divorcee – funny – when I was a kid I never said ‘ I want to be a divorcee when I grow up.’
I wish it had happened suddenly, but it didn’t, it dragged on for years. But eventually Matt I couldn’t do it anymore. It wasn’t the thought of having kids that scared me…it was the thought of having to be married to one.
When we first met you called me your little sherbet dip. Just as sweet and twice as tasty. You cared for me and I loved you for that. But, you never cared about me. About what I wanted. And your sweet turned bitter. At having no other reason in life than you. Playing the dutiful wife helping you live your life. Well what about me? What about my life?
ANDI: It was after one alcohol soaked Friday night that I realised I had to do something about my life. I awoke to find yet another stranger in my bed.
Oh don’t get me wrong I really quite liked this one, he was cute if rather hairy. But, I didn’t know him and it suddenly dawned on me that it would be rather nice to wake up in the morning and see a familiar face. Someone who knew not to talk to me until I’d had my first diet coke of the day and who could reassure me that “everyone’s done it, you were just drunk” or “he won’t mind that you phoned at three o’clock in the morning he was probably flattered!”
I needed a flatmate. Then I’d have the best of both worlds – cute but hairy man in bed, friendly face at the breakfast table, for when the cute but hairy has suddenly remembered his girlfriend’s name and that she’s likely to cut his todger off if he doesn’t get home sharpish.
So I put an ad in Merseymart in amongst the lost pets and ‘adventurous couples seek similar’. ‘Wanted: Female to share flat. W.l.t.m;g.s.o.h.n.s.t.l.c.o.c.g.c.h.d.g.’
Well, I just copied from the others, It turned out that meant – non-smoker with a good sense of humour, tender loving care, own car, gas central heating and double glazing! It’s probably not surprising then that the people who replied weren’t exactly on my wavelength.
A: Is it Mel?
M: Melissa actually.
A: Melissa, right. Well I’m Andi erm Andrea. Come in and I’ll show you around.
M: I thought this was going to be a non-smoking house?
A: Ah yes bit of a mix up with the advert…but I don’t smoke all of the time, only when I’m awake (laughs loudly, Melissa remains stony faced) Can I get you a drink?
A: G and T? Vodka and Cranberry?
M: Erm, no thank you, I don’t drink….alcohol that is.
A: O.K. – coffee?
M: Do you have decaf?
A: No I’ve always thought that kind of defeats the object…Water?
M: No. Look why don’t we just get down to the nitty gritty. Can I ask you some questions.
A: Sure, just don’t make them too hard!
M: Andrea. Do you use the shower between 7 and 8?
M: You see with my last flatmate we found it invaluable to have a bathroom rota.
M: Good! Right. Do you cook meat in the house?
A: If I knew how to work the oven I would.
M: Oh. It’s just that I am a vegetarian.
A: Right…erm… I don’t know that much about…erm…vegetables.
M: Well don’t worry it’s never too late to start treating your body like a temple.
A: You mean getting men to take their shoes off before they walk all over you?
M: This could be fun. A bonding project. With my last flatmate I had her on five portions of fruit and veg and eight glasses of water a day in no time!
A: Hence the bathroom rota.
M: Yes!…I mean, no! Oh!
M: Yes!…I mean, no! Oh!
A: (to audience) Melissa didn’t stay long after that – she seemed fairly appalled when I told her that the only fruit I intended on eating was lemon marinated in Gin and tonic!