Sarah Quick

Playwright: Actor: Director

BECKY:          Being single is a most agreeable way of life

MAGGIE:        Not preferable

BECKY:          Necessarily

MAGGIE:       But nevertheless a most agreeable way of life.

BECKY:         There are pitfalls

MAGGIE:      Of course.

BECKY:         Nobody

MAGGIE:      Absolutely nobody

BECKY:         Nobody 

M/B:              Believes you!

MAGGIE:     They might agree

BECKY:        That there are benefits

MAGGIE:      But really

BECKY:         I mean really

MAGGIE:      It’s only temporary

BECKY:         Isn’t it?

MAGGIE:      All single girls

BECKY:        Surely

MAGGIE:     Are looking

BECKY:        Searching

MAGGIE:     For a man

BECKY:        Aren’t they?

MAGGIE:     Well 

BECKY:        You’ve certainly proved how clever you are

MAGGIE:     Yes

BECKY:        As clever as any man

MAGGIE:     Yes

BECKY:       And as capable

MAGGIE:     Indeed

BECKY:        Possibly more so

MAGGIE:     But come on

BECKY:       Stop messing around

MAGGIE:     When are you going to settle down?

BECKY:       Find a man

MAGGIE:    Have babies

M/B:             Settle Down!


BECKY:          (dad) Your sister’s moving house. Her and Geoff are getting a semi on the brooklands estate. It’ll give them more room for the kiddies. And they’re getting one of them people carrier things. Have you heard that Barbara? Our Sandra’s getting one of them people carrier things. She’s really made something of her life that lass.

MAGGIE:      ( nana) Are you courting yet luv? When I was your age I was almost a granny!

BECKY:      ( shop tannoy) Bing Bong. This is a customer services announcement for the shopper in aisle one. May we draw your attention to the offer we have on meals for one, comfort food and shakes for slimmers. On the first floor we have ladies fashions, in all sizes apart from yours, and on the upper level we have extortionately priced beauty products to help you find a man.

MAGGIE:      (policeman) Excuse me luv er, you were exceeding the speed limit could I take some details. Name? Right. Age? Right. Married. Really! Pretty girl like you?!

BECKY:      (Ex) The fing with Becky right is that she can’t handle commitment, you know, like a bloke. Coz I loved her, I really bloody loved her. We had a great time. Shagging. And Making love. Goin’ out clubbin’ then comin’ home and , you know, shagging. It was great. Then one day I asks her to marry me and she panics you know, really panics. Anyway, she says it wasn’t marriage that she was scared of but she wasn’t sure if I was the one. Which is wrong, you know, coz we was great together.

MAGGIE:      ( hairdresser) Going anywhere nice for your holidays? Is that in Wales? India really? Are you going with your fella? Aaaahhhh, well I’m sure you’ll still have a good time.

BECKY:      ( nauseating friend) Of course Cassandra is now officially the cleverest four-year-old in her class AND she’s even got a little boyfriend!…Oh Sorry…

MAGGIE:      (mum) Listen love, I know it’s probably your old mam worrying over nothing but you have been spending a lot of time with Natasha recently…is there something you’d like to tell me?

BECKY:      (guard) This is a station announcement. The girl now standing on platform two does not have a boyfriend. I repeat. The girl now standing at platform two does not have a boyfriend.

MAGGIE:      She told me she could have any man she pleased, so I told she’d better start pleasing some then!

BECKY:      So Rebecca , you’re 25 , you don’t have a boyfriend, I’m afraid you are the weakest link. Goodbye!