Sarah Quick

Playwright: Actor: Director

At the offices of Rainbow Insurance

DEBBIE:      Morning Judith.

JUDITH      Morning Luv. Nice weekend?

DEBBIE      Usual.

BECKY/JUDITH      Ahhhh. (poor you)

DEBBIE      Morning Becks. Out on the lash with Maggie again were you?

BECKY      It was brilliant! Good Morning, Rainbow insurance how can I help you. Certainly madam, putting you through…

JUDITH      I don't know how you do it. (to Debbie) I don't, really! Do you know they don't even go out until 10pm? 10pm! Oooh, there's no way you'd wrench me away from Inspector Morse and the Hobnobs at that time of night.

DEBBIE      Good Morning Rainbow Insurance. Hello Sir, you've been affected by the flooding, sorry to hear that Mr Noah, I can put you through to our water damage department. What's that? Oh, you'd like to increase your coverage on pet insurance Ok sir, putting you through.

JUDITH      Would they catch you?

DEBBIE      Catch me at what?

JUDITH      Going out clubbing at 10pm.

DEBBIE     Chance'd be a fine thing. Let's see…At 10pm this Saturday I was cleaning up vomit…and other less pleasant bodily excretions.

BECKY      Steve had one too many Stellas?

DEBBIE      No! It was the kids.

BECKY/JUDITH        Ahhhh. (poor you)

DEBBIE      Apparently they're experimenting with edible play-doh in kindergarten and both the twins took full advantage. I actually thought it had bunged them up a bit but they both proved me wrong in simultaneous explosions.

JUDITH      Toooo much information.

DEBBIE      Aaron tried to help but ended up vomiting over me and the twins.

BECKY      Lovely. (Maggie enters) You're late

DEBBIE      Eh up missus! Where’ve you been?

BECKY      You've missed out on some delightful conversation!

MAGGIE:      I bloody hate Monday mornings. The alarm clock never wakes me up. So I’ve five minutes to get to work…But, I still have to wash my body glitter off from Saturday night and get rid of the bleedin' awful stench of booze and curry oozing out me pores.I iron the top I should have ironed yesterday but couldn’t coz me bones were too bleeding sore to lift the bloody thing and I spend ten minutes trying to apply make-up before I realize that you can’t shine shite.Have you any tablets? My heads splitting…?

JUDITH      (passing her aspirin) Becky seems to be fine.

BECKY      Becky's still a little bit drunk.

DEBBIE:       Sounds like Saturday night was worth it though.

MAGGIE:       Brilliant!

JUDITH:      Did you pull?

MAGGIE:      Is the pope Catholic?! Mind you the sex wasn’t up to much. The most exciting part was the cigarette.

DEBBIE        It's coz you're getting older - You wait, nowadays it’s less acid more flaccid!

JUDITH        I remember the days when they wouldn’t take no for an answer, nowadays they struggle if the answer’s yes!

(they all look at her in shock - this is not like her at all) 

JUDITH        Don't look at me like that, I do have a life you know!

DEBBIE       No one was saying you didn't have a life

BECKY      We, just didn't realize you could put the word 'sex' in front of it.

JUDITH      I've been divorced for 5 years…a woman has needs.

MAGGIE      You don't need a man, ever!

JUDITH      Oh, I know that. Maybe needs was the wrong word - wants, maybe more accurate. I'm fine on my own but sometimes I want a man. 

DEBBIE      Bloody hell! I'm jealous of you all now…I loved that first 'getting to know you' stage, it's dead romantic. I remember my first real date with Steve. he told me that he’d wanted to make love to me from the first time he saw me… said I took his breath away. Literally, I leant over the pool table and he choked on his pint.Anyway , I think I over did it a bit on the quiet sophistication, coz he takes my hand and starts to lead me upstairs and then,… he actually asked me… if he was the first bloke I’d ever slept with.!

MAGGIE:      I always used to say yes, all of 'em asked the same bloody question.

DEBBIE      Well, I couldn’t help myself, I said “that depends…were you in Liverpool in 1982!?" He seemed really upset.

BECKY      They do not like thinking you've had other blokes before them.

JUDITH      When you get to my age they'd be worried if you hadn't. Still anyone I meet now knows they've no need to worry about 'himself', being as though all of my friends and acquaintances, including my solicitor, officially refer to him as 'Peter the Plonker'.

MAGGIE      That's polite! He deserves worse the cheating git.

BECKY      Luke was quite interested in knowing about my exes.

DEBBIE      Luke?

MAGGIE      Oooh! That bloke from Saturday night. He had a righteous ass.

DEBBIE      Really!?

MAGGIE      So is it love? Do we hear wedding bells?

JUDITH      When is he being introduced to us?

BECKY:      It’s not serious, we’re just having a laugh. And no way is he being introduced to you lot.

DEBBIE      We don’t bite…

BECKY:      Maggie does.

MAGGIE:      Only if I really like you… Are you worried we’ll tell him what a slapper you really are?!

BECKY:      I know you’re joking but you’re not far wrong. He wanted to know how many fellas I'd been out with.

MAGGIE:      Tell him you never went out with any of them.

DEBBIE      I'm telling you the 'men you've had before' line of questioning is a minefield.

BECKY      So how was I supposed to handle it?


BECKY:      Ah, that would have been good. Instead, he asked me, I told him, he got a bit miffed and said he didn't want to hear about it! So, I said I wouldn’t talk about my exes if he didn’t talk about that bird in the post office that he used to see.

DEBBIE      Why did they split up?

BECKY:      He said she was the hippie type.

MAGGIE       Eh?

BECKY      Liked to make soap…didn't like to use it. It was never that serious anyway but they just had this massive row and she told him that she thought he was a bit effeminate.

JUDITH      Is he?

BECKY:      Nooo, well…compared to her he is!

MAGGIE:      Fair enough! So will he be out this Saturday?

BECKY:      Erm, we’re not going out.

MAGGIE:      You what?

BECKY:      I’m cooking dinner for the two of us.

DEBBIE:      Bloody hell it must be serious.

MAGGIE      Erm! You’re giving up a night at Pharohs to cook dinner for some bloke!

JUDITH      What’s on the menu, Rice Krispies and Vodka?

DEBBIE      I'll give you my recipe for rock buns - they send Steve wild.

BECKY      Really?

DEBBIE      Oh yes, they only need to be in the oven for a minute and he's in the kitchen practically licking my pinny!

MAGGIE      Oh my!

BECKY:      Good morning rainbow insurance…compensation, certainly sir, is it with regards to the foot and mouth crisis?…right sir and what animals were they… right… seven large cows and seven smaller ones, right you are sir.

And so the First Commandment, which one gets to learn quite fast

On no account should there be men before him in your past

You may have been around a bit, it’s not against the law

But he doesn’t need to know about the ones who’ve come before.

He likes pretending he’s the first, although he knows inside

So telling him how they did what can really hurt his pride.

The most important thing to note is while you’re having sex

Try to not, above all else, compare him to your ex

If he asks you how he measures up then lying's where it's at

Try - He was nothing, he was tiny oh! he never managed that!

But better still, you let him think you're an undiscovered find

A pool without a ripple yet…uncharted by mankind